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Polly* first attempted to masturbate at the age of 30. It was a long time coming, as the 30-year-old sound engineer spent many years feeling out of place (a "weirdo," in her own words) for not having the same level of interest in it as the folks around her. "I think the primary reason is that I've never really felt compelled to [masturbate], or have sex," recalls Polly. "It took me many years to realize I might be some brand of asexual."

Another reason, Polly says, was more physical: "I definitely lacked anatomical understanding, which was embarrassing to admit, so I was too sheepish to ask anyone about it. I didn't really feel represented by educational materials and diagrams. Everyone's vulva is different, but I didn't fully understand that, so instead I felt freakish when my anatomy didn't resemble what I was finding in my research."

Polly is not alone: For some adults, learning to masturbate can be a daunting and unfamiliar experience, as most people start in their adolescence. Sex therapist Colby Agostinelli says that it can happen quite early for some folks. "We begin masturbating as young as three or four years old," they explain. "While we may not label it as 'masturbation' at that age, it is indeed self-pleasure and self-exploration."

Many of us do not know that what we are doing to ourselves is actually masturbating, particularly if your parents and school have purposefully glossed over knowledge critical to your sexual health development. For many, including myself, the experience of masturbation is happenstance — a brand-new experience that occurred despite never specifically being sought out.

Why Some of Us Start Later Than Others

Recently, I conducted a quick, informal poll on my personal Instagram and it revealed a lot about the collective habits of over 1000 followers, who answered questions regarding the age they began to masturbate and, for those who started later in life, why they held off. Many disclosed feelings around shame and guilt no doubt, shame was a big part of my journey. Muffled or silent orgasms brought on by waves of guilt. Not surprisingly, a lot of people shared that they just did not feel ready or have any interest.

Varuna Srinivasan

Dr. Eric Sprankle, a licensed clinical psychologist and professor of Clinical Psychology at Minnesota State University, notes that “there's nothing inherently abnormal about not masturbating. There are dozens of reasons why someone in their late teens or early 20s may not masturbate. It could be as simple as not having a strong sexual desire to do so. For others, it may be avoided due to ignorance about one's own body and its potential for pleasure."

A survey of 5,865 participants asked respondents about their masturbation frequency. Approximately one-quarter of men aged 18 and 59 years old reported masturbating between a “few times per month to weekly,” around 20 percent of the same group said they masturbate two to three times per week, and another fifth of the men said they masturbated four or more times a week. By contrast, the survey reported that "most of the women masturbated once a week or less." Our belief systems, too, can play a role: A study done by the Social and Legal Psychology, Department of Psychology at the Johannes Gutenberg University Mainz looked at the factors that might contribute to abstinence from masturbation. In its findings, the study’s authors stated that, "among the potential attitudinal correlates, stronger beliefs regarding the impact of masturbation … were all associated with greater motivation for masturbation abstinence," specifically its "social aspects," as well as holding a low level of trust in science, “more conservative attitudes, stronger religiosity, and perceiving masturbation as unhealthy." (An important note regarding these statistics: Dr. Sprankle reminds us that the "frequency data is often all over the place because it varies by the population being studied, and even representative samples may suffer from underreporting due to the participants not wanting to disclose their masturbation habits.")

The journey to discover our sexual needs & wants can last a lifetime—and that's OK.

Still, shame around masturbation runs deep — both emotionally and in a historical sense. A paper by Dr. Elizabeth Schlappa, a cultural historian from Newcastle University, offers evidence that dates "serious alarm around female masturbation" to the 1700s. She notes that anti-masturbation campaigns were rampant with pamphlets printed publicly on the 'unpleasant symptoms' of Onania (an older term for masturbation). Women who masturbated were said to threaten their virginity, discredit their family, and besmirch her reputation in society.

Sex and relationship therapist Christene Lozano notes that there are many factors as to why people may abstain from masturbation, telling Allure, "In my practice, some common reasons people may not masturbate include guilt and/or shame for masturbating due to family of origin; culture; religion; lack of body awareness and/or disconnected from the body; and boundaries with a romantic partner."

For Sukriti, relationship circumstances played a big role. "I was sexually active, and had a notion that if I have a partner who is satisfying my needs, I don't have to resort to masturbation," she explains.

At 28, however, Sukriti married an army officer, whose subsequent postings put significant distance between the pair. "Before that, I always had a partner available," she recalls. "We used to indulge in phone sex but the network at his erratic posting was sketchy; frankly, I didn’t even enjoy it. That's when he discussed masturbation with me and I am glad he did." The experience proved positive, allowing her to "feel like I took charge of my body" and to "understand my pleasure points better."

https://graph.org/Strenge-Oma-09-17

I Didn't Start Masturbating Until After I Turned 30